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Narcissism
Narcissism is All About Him
This is an article from a women’s perspective about her partner with Narcissism however women too can have naricissism so there could also be an article is all about Her.
Narcissism is a character trait that involves self-admiration, self-centeredness, and self-regard. Everyone has some degree of narcissism. It is what motivates us to get dressed and wash our hair in the morning. However, like many things, narcissism falls on a spectrum.
To the far right end of this spectrum lies the extreme or pathological narcissist. This person’s narcissism is so severe or abnormal that when diagnosed, is classified as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Very few people realize that NPD is a real disorder that has been recognized by the American Psychological Association since 1980. In the past, it was often referred to as megalomania. It is an extreme form of narcissism.
This type of pathological narcissism is maladaptive, rigid, and relentless. It is a lifelong pattern of traits and behavior, which signifies obsession with oneself to the exclusion of all others. A narcissist lacks empathy and engages in a ruthless pursuit of gratification and dominance.
An individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder has an excessive need for attention and admiration. This need is so intense that it severely damages the person’s ability to maintain relationships. This is because they suffer from extreme selfishness and have no regard, whatsoever, for the needs and feelings of others.
This describes the men I have loved—selfish and consumed by their own needs to the point that eventually, they could no longer see me. It was as if I ceased to exist in their eyes. My story is about these men, or narcissists, in my life and I tell it so that others who find themselves in a similar situation can recognize it for what it is. Although much of what he does is unconscious, a narcissist is only out for himself. You must understand this. He enters into relationships with women in an effort to fulfill his unmet needs.
There are many psychological theories on how one develops narcissistic personality disorder. There is now recent research, which even suggests that personality disorders may have a genetic component.
I want to be clear that in no way am I qualified to offer a professional opinion on how this disorder develops in a person, nor will I attempt to do so. I share my story with you for a few reasons.
First, I have always found it incredibly healing to write. In my opinion, if you don’t have a means to channel your pain, it will stay within you and become toxic. Writing has been a catharsis for me. Writing and music are outlets I cannot live without.
The second reason I share my story with you is because I have found hearing from others who have had a similar struggle as my own to be very helpful. The majority of literature on the topic of narcissism is written by mental health professionals and clinicians. While these individuals are extremely qualified, they have not experienced what it is like to try to love a narcissist. I do not believe one can truly understand what it is like to love a narcissist unless they have been through it themselves.
In my opinion, individuals who have experienced a similar struggle can connect with one another on a level that far supersedes any other form of therapy. I personally find it very powerful to talk to others who know first-hand what I’m going through. If I am able to connect with one person who relates to my story, and as a result seeks help and support, I will feel good about what I’ve done. There is help out there, and no one should go through the disillusionment of a narcissist alone.
About the Author: Listen to Lisa E. Scott at http://www.AllAboutHim.com where you can follow her on her weekly radio show – All About Him – building awareness on narcissism, offering advice on spotting a narcissist, and a support group call the Vain Forum, which is a message board and blog to help women get out of their narcissistic relationships that are holding them back.
The Narcissist Personality and Emotional Intelligence
Our reactions with each other have extensive biological impact, spreading cascades of hormones that regulate everything from our hearts to our immune systems, making good relationships act like vitamins – and bad relationships like poisons. We can “catch” other people’s emotions the way we catch a cold, and the consequences of isolation or relentless social stress can be life-shortening.
Daniel Goleman, who authored “Social Intelligence” explains the surprising accuracy of first impressions, the basis of charisma and emotional power, the complexity of sexual attraction, and how we detect lies. He describes the “dark side” of social intelligence, including narcissism. I want to further explore this “dark side’ by comparing and contrasting Emotional Intelligence (EI) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) .
Emotional Intelligence (EI) has several facets, which are grounded in our:
self-knowledge: simply an understanding of yourself and your goals and abilities
empathy: a very eloquent definition was provided by psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, who defines empathy as “the capacity to think and feel oneself into the inner life of another person”
likability: how well you are liked with critical elements of personality encompassing friendliness, empathy, realness, and capacity to connect
ability to connect people and ideas
NPD symptoms are as follows:
grandiosity / exaggeration
fantastic thinking / romantic
believes special / unique
requires admiration
entitled / demanding
exploitative / manipulative
lacks empathy
envious / jealous
arrogant / haughty
Narcissism leads to breakdowns in relationships. This doesn’t surprise me. Compare and contrast the two lists above. The first facet of EI is possessing self-knowledge which the NPD’s vision of himself doesn’t match his true self (grandiose/exaggeration, believes special/unique). The second facet of EI is being empathetic, and the NPD exhibits very little, if not any, empathy toward others. The third facet of EI is likeability, which may be the only facet that the NPD may be able to pull off for a short period of time. Narcissists tend to be likeable, friendly and easy to get on with; often they are fun to be with. But it is all a sham – in reality they are only behaving like this in order to get your attention and fuel their addiction for being seen as wonderful. The last facet of EI is the ability to connect people and ideas, which the NPD possess a kind of street-smart EI. They are acutely aware of whether people are with them wholeheartedly and know who they can use and can be brutally exploitative
Most of us have dealt with narcissists in the workplace, home, or social settings. When we interact with a narcissistic individual, there’s no real relating going on. It’s all about one person. There’s an absence of empathetic exchange and mutuality, two prerequisites for healthy and rewarding relationships. Research evidence (Student Research in Psychology at Southeast Missouri State University was found that those with higher levels of NPD symptomatically described themselves as lacking emotional control and emotional repair, and as being emotional preoccupied and concerned with the public impression of their emotional experiences. These results clearly indicate that people with NPD need to overcome several deficiencies in their emotional functioning.
In regard to the four constructs of EI, the following is a discussion of my Dad’s behavior in comparison:
Self Awareness: Since he’s been retired, his narcissism has gotten much worse. I project that the loss of people to bark orders to and make him feel like the big shot has caused his ego & self esteem to take a hit. I also think that aging has caused the narcissism to become more prominent due to loss of looks and weight gain. Furthermore, his wife has fallen ill, and he has not been empathetic to her– displaying rather cold reactions to her diagnosis and treatment.
Self Management: He flies off the handle at the drop of the hat– and when he loses his temper you’d better watch out. In 1979 when the divorce hit and he discovered his wife (my mother) had been messing around with his friend, he was a MESS. He used us kids as pawns, being spies for him & brainwashing us against our mother. He had a private detective following her, trying to catch her in some act that he could use against her in court.
Social Awareness: My Dad was always the life of the party since as early as I could remember. He’s always been the center of attention, the boisterous talker with plenty of long-winded stories, and a laugh that could be heard around the block. When you’re having a conversation with him, the conversation is actually dictated and managed by him. He controls the topic and the amount of time you have to speak. Even if you initially started talking about one thing, he will interject and twist the conversation into a totally different direction– usually into some long story about something completely unrelated. He repeats the same stories without realizing he’s already told you– and I am amazed that he doesn’t realize he’s boring the listener to tears when the glazed over looks appear. He has been a status seeker, whether owning his own business, joining a country club, or always owning a new car. He loves to talk about the famous people he has brushed elbows with. We used to go out of our way to attend events where we may meet someone famous. I specifically remember one where we actually met ML King’s mother! To this day, he always has a story about the highfalutin people he’s met.
Relationship Management: He has always been particular about ‘his’ time. When he’s had enough of the kids on a holiday, he’ll ask everyone to leave so that he can have time for himself. When he remarried to my step-mother, they would retreat into their master bedroom at 8:30pm, telling the kids not to bother them. He feels he’s the expert on many topics, and he doesn’t hesitate to interject how you should do this or that. If you’re in a conflict with him, a disagreement or otherwise, he will want to have a ‘talk’ with you. This means that he wants to have your undivided attention, one on one, to tell you how you’re wrong, need to apologize, and change. Even if you have what you want to say figured out before the ‘talk’, he can have you so discombobulated by time the ‘talk’ is over that you don’t know what just hit you.
Further with relationship management, my Dad inflicted great emotional distress on my brother and me when he engaged in tactics to alienate us from our mother.
In each of these constructs, my Dad shows deficiency in how he conducts his emotions. My Dad being an overt manipulative narcissist with an apparent low EI mirrors the results of many studies evaluating the EI of NPD’s. Given the definition of NPD (“a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy”), a low EI is only a natural bi-product of the disorder. How can an individual with a skewed sense of self, constant need for emotional reassurances, and lacking in the ability to put one’s self into someone else’s shoes have a high emotional intelligence? Having an emotionally unstable Dad for decades has made for an unstable relationship, one that has been severely strained from conditional love, criticisms, judgments, and careless treatment. One can conclude the the narcissist is deficient in several areas of the Emotional Intelligence framework. The deficiency, in turn, leads to mistreatment of relationships, whether personal, casual, or professional.
